he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
