I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
