I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i love accidental penises.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
