I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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