i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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