I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
