my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
