I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
