"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
