Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
