i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
