I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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