I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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