last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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