tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
