I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
