Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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