I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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