and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
