Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
