I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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