so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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