i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
