My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
