and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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