So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
