Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
All the doctor said was why
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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