He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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