the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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