Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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