I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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