After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
