dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
