I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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