The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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