Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
