You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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