swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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