There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I can't turn off my feet"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
