by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize