connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Text me some of your sweat
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
