found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize