I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
