new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
