Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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