JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
