i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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