take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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