i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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