I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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