textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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