Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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