How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
