Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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