How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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