I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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