I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
