your parents love me but you hate me
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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